Dressed in Locs and khaki suits

I love Target, y'all. Really. There is no other store where you can buy a toilet brush and Scooby-Doo fruit snacks (IN THE SAME TRIP) and walk out looking dignified. But, like any other store, there is a time and a place for Target. If you're in a sad/bad/weird mood, you could end up with 4 Spongebob pillows, 100 Little Debbie snack cakes, a vacuum cleaner and a $5.99 DVD of Three Men and a Baby. (guess what? in some cultures, they'd call that a PARTY)

I was in Target yesterday, feeling tired and ill because every time I swallowed, it hurt so much that I spazzed like Kramer. My goal was simple: retrieve lozenges and a shelving system for my shoes and exit quickly. It was not to be. Target was filled with college students, either with sugar-parents in tow or giddily spending sugar-parents' money on newly leased apartments, and for one brief un-nauseated moment I felt nostalgic-like for college days. Then I started to listen. One young lady, wearing a glittery trucker cap, was yelling into her phone to her parent-servant "CAN YOU PLEASE SET UP MY INTERNET. WE LIKE, NEED INTERNET. I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS YOU LIKE, CALL THEM." My cart and I tried a hasty getaway into the next aisle, but her voice followed me like a banshee "YEAH IT WAS TOTALLY GROSS. HE LET IT GROW AND GROW AND THE DOCTOR HAD TO SLICE IT AND REMOVE THE PUS." ....After that pleasantry, which horrified me enough to forget about my throat ache, I overheard two men talking: "I can't believe they don't sell fans in Best Buy! It's Best Buy! They sell refrigerators in Best Buy! Refrigerators have fans!" ? And then, finally, a professionally dressed woman to her friends: "Let me ask you guys something. What kind of laxative do you use?" Out of confusion and to quell the buzzing in my head, I added a shirt, Frosted Mini-Wheats and a small wicker basket to my cart, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with them.

For those leaving comments about the Hills, your points are insightful and will be considered. Did you know that every time you watch the show, your IQ goes up like 2 points? FOR SERIOUS. I read about it. In, um, science.