Saturday, October 13, 2007

Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

It's sometimes hot, sometimes cold down here in So.Cal, and the weather's schizophrenia is making me feel a little fractured myself.

How's everyone doing since the 2007-2008 season of television has started? I think that sentence is grammatically incorrect, but so is your mom, so booyah. What's everyone watching? I have been TiVoing the following: Chuck, Bionic Woman, Bones, Ugly Betty, Grey's, 30 Rock, The Office, Friday Night Lights, Pushing Daisies, Brothers and Sisters, Gossip Girl, Heroes, maybe some more that I don't remember. That's a helluva lot of TV, my friends, so most of my free time is spent catching up. I watch so much TV that I've mastered the art of multi-tasking while watching and have discovered several activities which DO and DO NOT work in front of the television. I'm not going to tell you because I might write a book one day and one of you toolboxes might steal my ideas...but I'll give you a taste of what's on the DO list: folding laundry. I hate that shit. Talk about Boreophyll. It makes me a little angry that I have to fold stuff that I'm going to wear and then crumple up anyways. But I'm guessing preserving order is part of what makes civilization work, so I'm gonna have to do my part, and at least I'm being amused by one of the three major networks while I'm doing it.

I also have some Guilty Shows which I have been watching online, thanks to the brilliance of "full episodes" on all the networks' Web sites. I'm not going to name names, but one show does rhyme with "Mivate Mactice" and if anyone asks me why I'm watching, I'll say he rhymes with "Kaye Biggs". If you understood any of that, then you're watching as much tv as I am and should a) get a life or b) give yourself a round of applause (the clapping your hands in a circle kind).

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thug it out 'til we get it right

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long absence. Busy.

So on Sunday night, we went to see Justin Timberlake. That's right. Let that shit sink in for a minute. My little Justin rocked my world with a falsetto, some trashy back-up dancers and a Timbaland appearance which merely involved Timbaland referring to himself in the third person and encouraging the audience to chant his name. All the overproduced stuff aside (which, incidentally, I loved), J.Tim is a consummate performer and an even better dancer than I am. Ok, he's actually a dancer, and I'm a "dancer." Ok, I'm not even a "dancer" but more like a person who likes to dance and does it badly.

Yesterday I wore my Very Expensive Jeans. I won't tell you the price or the brand, but they are in that category of Expensive Jeans where you gag a little when handing over your credit card but then realize that they were entirely worth X dollars. These jeans are magic, like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants kind of magic, although there's no way in hell I'm sending these jeans to any of you yokels. If you call me up crying and say that you have no pants and the doctor said you could only wear Very Expensive Jeans Brand because of a skin ailment, I will sympathize and tell you that designer clothes are often quite reasonable on eBay. Maybe I will even do a search for you. I wish I knew why they were so expensive and what they do to make them flatter my backside and why they fall so nicely around my boots and why the fabric never feels "jeany" the way that other jeans do on a cold morning when your skin is kind of dry. I now own several items which I use and proclaim to myself, "I cannot go back to the cheaper version." I can't lead a worker's revolution. Take away my party card and Chairman Mao T-shirt, replace with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and Alan Greenspan. I love money.

Also, I'm a little disturbed that I always know the movie that's on the Disney Channel, even if it's a "made for the Disney Channel" movie. Model Behavior? Seen it. Ice Princess? Seen it. Bring it on 2? Oh, have I seen it. I also know who Hannah Montana and Zack & Cody are, and I wish I could erase them and replace that brain space with something more useful....but let's be serious, what could that be? Speaking of gleefully wasted brain space, I watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl and I LOVED IT. Unfairly beautiful and ridiculously rich young people = A GOOD TIME ALWAYS. And such hip and artfully placed music! What a seductive yet edgy criticism of East Coast upper class! TV is back with a vengeance, my friends.

Monday, September 3, 2007

We can walk to the curb from here.

One root of the ant problem was located. The culprit was the spice cabinet. So we removed everything and threw it out, except spices that didn't look compromised. The mission was enriched by the fact that we also found the source of our other infestation, some black beetly guys who move really slowly. They were breeding in a container of Random Indian Spice that my mom gave me to encourage me to cook my people's food. (ha!) But now more beetly things are turning up dead. Did they find out they missed our genocide (calm down, PETA. We just dumped the container in the garbage. They look like tough little, uh, buggers) and died from broken hearts? Are they a different group who heard through the beetlevine that there was a party, helped themselves to the hors d'oeuvres (that was a lot of effort to spell. next time: OR DERVS) and found out that the snacks were actually ant poison? Too bad, so sad, better luck next time- in a different kitchen, in a different house.

My roommate and I are thinking about growing lettuce in our garden. Or, she'll grow the lettuce and I'll eat it. She says that you pluck it one day and it grows back the next, like the loaves and the fishes. It's like having a little bit of Jesus in the backyard. Jesus came to the front door yesterday in the form of some nice lady missionaries who I inwardly blessed because they didn't talk to me, just handed me an informative flyer and left. I was totally on board with the flyer at first - do you want help dealing with life's difficulties? YES. do you want to be closer to God? SURE. do you want to oppose the devil? HM. - that's where things got sticky. I'd rather not oppose the devil because that involves interacting with him and really, he goes about his business, I go about mine, and everything seems ok. I've seen the Exorcist. I know what shit goes down.

Speaking of exorcisms, I went to Macy's over the weekend and splashed holy water over the clothes 'cause they SUCKED in an evil way. Not really, but I wanted to. I did buy a Conditional Skirt. A Conditional Skirt is a skirt that I can wear on the condition that I never eat again. It's ok. That's why God made Ensure. Oh man. My roommate's talking about the all-you-can-eat set fee at Dodger Stadium and GOODBYE to any resolution relating to the skirt. I don't go to baseball games and I can't eat hot dogs, but I'd still eat the hell out of that. I think I would just put my mouth under the Coke spigot - why waste cups? Let's heal the Earth. If anyone asks, I'll say "I have the all-you-can-eat pass, bitches!" Or, rather, "gurgledroolgurgledroolgurgledroolburp bitches!"

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

But I don't feel tardy

Ok. There were some ants all up in my space today. They were in a line and shit. I sprayed them with Raid (RAID!) and now my room smells like death. If you don't know the meaning of the phrase "sickly sweet", then snort some Raid and you'll know. After I nuked them and cleaned up their carcasses, I tried to find their origin, which was, surprise surprise, a hole in the wall. So now when I look at my walls, I see them as some sort of teeming, pulsating collective organism and I totally throw up a little even though that sounds kind of psychedelic and cool.

I've noticed that my hit count has included several international visitors, and when I investigated further, I found that most of them stumbled upon my blog by searching for Kermit. I don't really know what to do with that information. Except state it here. Welcome, hola, and gesundheit.

I told my class today about my conflicted feelings about The Hills, they understood, and, bless 'em, they didn't judge. B-ful asked me to expound on the representation of the male within The Hills, and I tell you, I am stumped. Flummoxed. Spencer Whinyface and his merry band of morons is one thing, but Justin-Bobby? Really? I understand that your viewers are the same ones who listen to Maroon 5 and have sweatpants with words written on the butt, but c'mon, MTV, give your demographic a tiny bit of credit and don't introduce a CLOWN as a potential love interest. That guy totally got his PhD in clown from the University of Clown in Clownsville and I would categorize his style as "homeless chic." His hair should have its own show. ("Unwashed: The Story of Justin-Bobby's Curls") Stay tuned to see if I can dig my way out of the Justin-Bobby thought puzzle.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mind your pews and keys

My roommate has told me for 9 years that I should floss. I hate good habits, so when she tells me about flossing, I hear, "mmmmmm teeth mmmmmmmm gums mmmmmmm." Today, she spoke to me about flossing, and I promptly blocked it out....but 5 minutes later, a wretched notion stole into my large, slow head. I thought, "Man, I should really start flossing! Something tells me that's a good idea!" So I bounded to the bathroom, stole some of her floss (thanks!) and began an enthusiastic pursuit of good dental hygiene. I was my own best cheerleader, chanting into the mirror, "Yeah! Check you out! You are totally flossin, bad boy!" Five seconds later I realized that I had forgotten how to floss. The floss kept slipping out of my fingers. I googled "how to floss", got impatient with all the advice, did a half-ass job and called it a night. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, but right now I'm resigned to looking vaguely like Grandpa Simpson in my golden years and only being able to slurp down large bowls of melted cheese. mmmmmm, cheese.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dressed in Locs and khaki suits

I love Target, y'all. Really. There is no other store where you can buy a toilet brush and Scooby-Doo fruit snacks (IN THE SAME TRIP) and walk out looking dignified. But, like any other store, there is a time and a place for Target. If you're in a sad/bad/weird mood, you could end up with 4 Spongebob pillows, 100 Little Debbie snack cakes, a vacuum cleaner and a $5.99 DVD of Three Men and a Baby. (guess what? in some cultures, they'd call that a PARTY)

I was in Target yesterday, feeling tired and ill because every time I swallowed, it hurt so much that I spazzed like Kramer. My goal was simple: retrieve lozenges and a shelving system for my shoes and exit quickly. It was not to be. Target was filled with college students, either with sugar-parents in tow or giddily spending sugar-parents' money on newly leased apartments, and for one brief un-nauseated moment I felt nostalgic-like for college days. Then I started to listen. One young lady, wearing a glittery trucker cap, was yelling into her phone to her parent-servant "CAN YOU PLEASE SET UP MY INTERNET. WE LIKE, NEED INTERNET. I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS YOU LIKE, CALL THEM." My cart and I tried a hasty getaway into the next aisle, but her voice followed me like a banshee "YEAH IT WAS TOTALLY GROSS. HE LET IT GROW AND GROW AND THE DOCTOR HAD TO SLICE IT AND REMOVE THE PUS." ....After that pleasantry, which horrified me enough to forget about my throat ache, I overheard two men talking: "I can't believe they don't sell fans in Best Buy! It's Best Buy! They sell refrigerators in Best Buy! Refrigerators have fans!" ? And then, finally, a professionally dressed woman to her friends: "Let me ask you guys something. What kind of laxative do you use?" Out of confusion and to quell the buzzing in my head, I added a shirt, Frosted Mini-Wheats and a small wicker basket to my cart, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with them.

For those leaving comments about the Hills, your points are insightful and will be considered. Did you know that every time you watch the show, your IQ goes up like 2 points? FOR SERIOUS. I read about it. In, um, science.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing

I committed a crime two days ago. I movie-hopped. I paid for Stardust and snuck into No Reservations. Whatever, call the cops. But a life of international intrigue ruled itself out, since I was god-awful at the stealth and secrecy. I couldn't find No Reservations, so I conspicuously wandered around the theater, carrying a large blue towel since my plan was to hit the beach at some point. I tried to think of excuses in case one of the theater employees stopped me, knowing full well that if I was caught I would just gurgle and start sweating, so I decided instead that I could take them all with a combination of judo, kicking ass, and trickery with the towel. Thankfully, the employees of the 3rd street Promenade AMC are blessed with what Tyra calls the "dead eyes"- a hurdle towards becoming America's Next Top Model but excellent for getting away with petty crimes - and didn't care enough about the theater, the movie industry or capitalism to pay any attention to my stolen double-feature. Stardust was nice and magical and No Reservations was tolerable, probably due to the knowledge that I didn't pay for it, and I'll probably watch it again when it comes on Lifetime in about two years, since it has pretty shiny people, subtly melodramatic music and the message that Love Rocks, and I'm a sucker for that shit.

Speaking of love, did anyone else tear up slightly when Spencer proposed to Heidi on the Hills? If you did, holla. Yes, I understand that Spencer's a toolbox and Heidi's a ninny and the whole thing is terribly, painfully, obviously scripted, but that mess was touching, y'all. Somebody at MTV needs to get their ass over to Hallmark and start making greeting-card magic.

That's the second post in a row where I mention the Hills. I must seem a Loser with a capital L on my forehead. Get off, it's research, and MTV reality programming is the pot of gold at the end of an already beautiful TV rainbow. And when we play Trivial Pursuit: Millennium Edition, I'll BUST IT UP with my Arts & Leisure knowledge, and my team will get the pie piece, win the game, and drink up all the beer 'cause we brought our A GAME. Who's laughing now?